Acknowledging My Deepest Fears

“Scared is a superpower” – The Doctor.

Apologies in advance, you’ll often catch me quoting or referencing Doctor Who. It’s a comfort thing, I do it quite often. Just ask those closest to me!

Anyway, carrying on from my last post, I’ve decided to stop letting certain things rule and control my life, and rather acknowledge that they exist and learn to stay on top of them. Last time, I spoke about my lack of confidence in social situations. Today I wanted to talk briefly about the things that scare me.

This is a particularly difficult thing for me to write about because it means I am facing the things that I avoid every second of the day. I know the power that voicing my fears has over them, and I know this is for the best.

There are three things that scare me a lot:

  1. Dying young
  2. Dying alone
  3. Dying unsuccessful

I guess you could say that I am afraid of death in general. I know that, and I have known that for a long time, but I’ve been able to narrow down why.

Dying Young

I am twenty years old, I feel like I have so much to offer the world, and so much more to experience! I’m sure I’ll feel this way for a lot longer yet! The last thing I would want is to have my experience on this end cut short in some way or another. I’ve got an anaphylactic peanut allergy that was discovered at the ripe age of ten months old. My mother was eating a piece of toast with peanut butter on it and, being the food lover I was and still am, I wanted a taste! She gave me a small bite and it shut me up… quite well! To cut a terrifying long story short, I basically died that day. My mother rushed me to the doctor around the corner who performed CPR and revived me. I was diagnosed with an anaphylactic peanut allergy, and it has dictated my life ever since. It’s something you get used to though; you know the safe foods, you don’t experiment too much, and you know the procedure in case of emergencies. It’s something that rarely affects me too much. But it is something that could mean the end of my life within five minutes of trying a new food, or even eating something I know is safe that’s been accidentally contaminated. It’s just part of my life and has slowly caused me to become paranoid on a daily basis.

Dying Alone

Last time I was on this topic I said that it was something I didn’t often think about, so let me clear it up a little. I’m talking about having close friends and family in my life and spending time with those that I care about. I have a tendency to shut off from those closest to me, and I’ve recognized this as something that I want to change. The best part of being human is the ability to love and be loved by the other humans around you. I am extremely lucky to be living with my Nanna at the moment, and I am enjoying the time we’re spending together. I’m enjoying seeing other extended family members while being down in Melbourne as well, it’s great to be around them. I am trying to build stronger friendships as well to avoid this fear becoming a reality.

Dying Unsuccessful

Success is different for everyone, and I’m figuring out what my success looks like every day. It’s my responsibility to make sure that I continue on my own path to success and can help others out along the way. I’ve had hurdles in my life and often let them get me down to the point I struggle to see the light at the end. But take it from me: There is always light. There is always hope. You can always turn a bad situation into something great.

I didn’t graduate high school originally. I was on track in the earlier years, I really excelled. I was a natural academic and achieved great grades. Then I got distracted and lost focus, eventually becoming one of the few that fell below the pass mark. Not only did that affect me, it would also have impacted the overall state score of my cohort. To this day I remain ashamed of my actions, but I’ve taken a lesson from it. I can see now what happens when I lose focus and take my eye off the end goal, and I have to keep myself in check.

How to Use Fear

Fear isn’t a bad thing. Fear can be a superpower if we let it. We need to let it remind us of what we don’t want to be without, and to hold close to what is truly important. Never forget what you want for your life, and learn to listen to what your fear is telling you. Make small consistent steps in the right direction towards your own success, whatever it may look like.

I am on a personal journey of discovery. I love all things technology and science and am excited by progression. I enjoy engaging with and sharing knowledge and experience with others.

I am on a personal journey of discovery. I love all things technology and science and am excited by progression. I enjoy engaging with and sharing knowledge and experience with others.
2 comments
  1. Well written Tim. You are admirably honest.
    I am almost 75 years old (in 6 weeks) but I still feel very young, (too young to die). The reality and certainly of death is just around the corner. I actually have no fear of dying either then or now. Eternity is a very long time indeed.
    I have a deep certainly that I won’t be dying alone even though I might be out on a walking path or driving on a highway by myself. Because here and now, when I am by myself I am not alone. More-so when the time comes.
    For me success is something others will measure and decide about me. There are different measuring sticks. Ultimately none of us around here will make the real ‘success’ judgement eh?
    “Dr Who” is probably the last person I would look to for guidance or confidence in anything to do with either living or dying.
    Love you Tim.

    1. Thank you for your response, I appreciate that you took the time to read it!
      I think the biggest mistake that people make with understanding success is that it is variable and dynamic. It is different from one person to the next. Some aspire to be the richest in the world, others better with their family, others again find their success in other people or figures. This is something I’d like to address in a later post. We each need to know that we define our own success, and not to feel trapped by being unable to achieve the goals of others. They are OUR dreams, OUR goals, and this is OUR life. Not your neighbour’s, not Donald Trump’s, OURS.
      It’s always great to see things from an alternative perspective, and brilliant to have a conversation over it, so thank you once again and I massively appreciate you reading the post. I hope you’ll continue to read and engage, your opinion will always be valued!

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